I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh god it's open bar.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
