i think my mom watched the whole time
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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