Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
