I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
