His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
