Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
