My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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