i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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