First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
