I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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