I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
