the new term for farting is butt boxing.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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