youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
