I want to make a zoo with you.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
