just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I intend to get homeless drunk
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
