Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
