You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
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The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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