She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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