Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
