I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
