I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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