I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
