Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
