I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
