you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
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Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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