Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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