Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
