Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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