My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
