so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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