I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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