sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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