thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
