I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
