They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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