I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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