this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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