i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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