White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
