just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this beer tastes like vomit already
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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