I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
