There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The best revenge is premature balding
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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