all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
