Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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