I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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