I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
