a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
