why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
