I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
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Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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