Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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