It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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