Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
