i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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