the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
