did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
