fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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