I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize