i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
