i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
