and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
