i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
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We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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