Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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