I wish I could teleport
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
