im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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